I want to change my life. In pretty much every aspect. I have a lot of “aspects”. I have more crappy aspects than I know what to do with. Let’s break this down:
First priority is a job. We are in financial collapse. I need to bring in money. I think we will lose the house no matter what, and should know for sure by Friday, but either way we need to bring in more money if we hope to pay the rent.
And always a priority, health, but beyond making the rounds with doctors. This is a pretty ling list, but one thing at a time.
That one thing is exercise.
OK, if we are all agreed, my first two challenges is to find a job and exercise. That’s a pretty tall order, but life is passing me by. I want it back.
Crappy one, but it is a start
Days left: 274
I might give myself a concussion if I don’t get a sports bra that fits or lose weight and fit into current sp bra. Ironic, is it not?
Exercise: not even close
Called it DOA around 3pm
That means I’ve officially thrown in the towel for the day.
Since “fit & healthy” was my focus today. I got into workout clothes then proceeded to eat like 8 mini chocolate donuts a pb& j, a hot dog, and two popsicles.
And exercise? I’ve done less today in any capacity than I have in the last two weeks.
While laying on the couch watching my third celebrity ghost story, I finally kicked off my sneakers and extricated myself from an ill fitting sports bra and tossing it willy nilly into the abyss of slothdom and is now hanging from the mantle on my fireplace.
DIRTY GIRL MUD RUN 5K
<<strongDays left 'till June 29, 2013: 276
I have been cornered into committing to some sort of a nutrition and exercise regimen and I’m taking you with me.
I have decided to train for a 5K Mud Run in the far distant future and I have also decided not to be fat. As soon as possible, please. Reasonable? Sure. feasible? Possibly.
I suffer from a complex combination of auto immune disorders, including Sjogren’s, Raynaud’s, with lupus overlap or undifferentiated connective tissue disease.
Things have gotten a little trickier lately – so I have recently begun a regimen of chemotherapy (at a lower dose than used for cancer) called Azatheoprine, acting as a hard core immunosuppressant.
It does have side effects, nausea. muscle and joint aches, and for me anyway, sudden weight gain. Talk about adding insult to injury.. .
When you are the most desperate-dangling from a rapidly fraying rope, stomach churning with panic; logic disappeared and the mind tends to scatter like marbles across a glass floor. This of course renders what is left of you paralyzed and often hysterical. This state is not ideal for gathering your marbles and without them you will not likely be an effective problem solver.
It has just now occurred to me that this impasse is what separates the strong from the weak, what makes a leader.
The heroin of the story may shed a tear or stomp her foot but recovers quickly, grabbing logic by the tail before it is out of her grasp, keeping her marbles in their proper place. She swiftly considers the paths available then puts one foot in front of the other and moves forward.
They should make a national geographic special about the migration of my shit, the kids shit, random shit, general shit around this house.
It is almost magical how the scattered masses respond to natures silent signal. Like salmon, kitchen utensils, important documents, the occasional rake, make their way upstairs, while shoes, underwear, and bath toys take refuge in the car.
LATEST MEDICAL DEVELOPMENT: Spinal Stenosis is Congenital (rare) and making a mess of my lumbar region and the most likely reason for my pain in the butt, legs, back, etc. This is the best part, It is a condition you are born with and commonly found in Dwarves. Yes, Dwarfism, Dwarves.
it may also be the cause of the horrible itching phenomena that has emerged over the last few months. Of course it is progressive degenerative condition that is irreversible, blah, blah. Just another one of those rare conditions confronted by five out of every Seven Dwarves.
The last few days I have been plagued with the Fire Ants. This insane itching along my arms and legs, that flares for a few days at a time and feels like I am covered in fire ants, biting angry fire ants; South Pole fire ants. If I don’t get to it with enough antihistamines and creams fast enough it can bring me to my knees, sobbing, literally begging for mercy. If it is active in my system, any kind of water, like taking a shower, will trigger it.
So no, I am not enjoying my day. I have a cloud hovering over my heart and catching in my throat. I had thought that maybe it was a medication I had been given and have stopped and maybe it is, was. It was worse before, the other day when I couldn’t conceive of anything in my life that was worthy of effort.
My children themselves were not meaningless, of course, but anything I could do for them was. I felt like I was in the emotional version of the Willy Wonka tunnel. Just look straight ahead. not too far, just a couple of moments.
I could not take even a sideways glance at myself, my life, it just hurt, so I did not venture very much further then the cup of coffee in front of me.
It was that “just can’t go there” ache when a song you love comes on the radio, but you can’t listen to it, at least not right now, because it reminds you of a different time.
A time when he loved you or you were young, and the sound of all that hope breaks your heart- because you know, you know how it turns out. Knowing keeps the wound fresh, keeps you paralyzed.
Turn the dial, dude!
But I couldn’t. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere with no reception. Just this one shitty station playing the same song over and over, and only static to the left the and right.
Goob is at work for the day and the kids are at school, a normalcy I long for, but as I explained to Goob, I am not, in fact, enjoying my day.
He joked that I was up at the crack of dawn, because I couldn’t wait to have the house to myself, when really it was because I had spent a miserable night in sweats, and I needed badly to bathe and was afraid. So I jumped in the shower at 5 am before I lost my courage. but miraculously, no itching today. It is just gone.
My Friday highlight is that I am not itching. Seriously, I feel like I won the little lotto because I’m not covered in aspercreme
I was so discouraged by the fire ants yesterday, that I just gave in to all the Benadryl and went to bed-at 10am.
So today, my big plan is to stay awake and not fall into a sleeping stupor out of sheer defeat, but instead of enjoying being alone and clean and antihistamine free, I have been a couch potato. An unseasoned squash.
Wait, sorry, what?
I just dozed off for a second.
Thanks for listening, I feel better.
Post script: never was able to make my day useful and have settled for multiple episodes of “psych”, sandwiched between my leopard Snuggie and my heating pad. Tomorrow is a new day.
Had kind of a rough patch over here.
Just found out that I have Congenital Spinal Stenosis which is (of course), a rare, kind of birth defect that does not usually show up until adulthood, 30’s 40’s. It is similar to degenerative spinal stenosis, but not caused by wear and tear, just by existing, and it is irreversible. An irreversible, progressive, degenerative condition with no fix. Not sure if it is a part of my autoimmune disease, but is the probable cause of most of my pain.
There is a bulging disk on all levels of lumbar spine. And a big mess with a herniated protrusion in the L4 –L5 with further narrowing of stuff and something called Schmorl’s Nodes up and down. I feel like Corky.
I’m not even sure of the implications here. I’ll know more over the next few weeks. I do know the degeneration has been rapid, which means the disease is gaining some momentum. I go to University of Chicago on Jan. 26th to see Rheumatology docs. Hopefully they can help me with this demonic itching problem.
Meanwhile, I am on bed rest for the time being, because my uterus has thrown in the towel and is trying to escape from the nearest exit.
I am scheduled for a procedure on the 19th that singes or rips out, (some awful
thing), the lining of my uterus with the goal of getting the bleeding under control and maybe then regulate my anemia and urgent iron problems.
Basically, they are trying to figure out if the bleed is GI or GYN, so before I turn my uterus into a parking lot, I get to have a colonoscopy some time next week. I will continue to receive iv iron treatments in the mean time.
So, that is low down. It is good, because we actually have a couple definitive answers and an immediate plan.
The big question is, are all of these conditions just elements of the same disease state or independent backassward villages of shit and medical mayhem?
Um, I’m feeling a little bitter, despondent. just not sure what to do. You know, can’t put one foot in front of the other? I guess I could use a little moral support. I’m just asking for it. I need some help. My mind is scattered and I feel unfocussed. Haha, yes, more than normal.
I can’t even bring myself to open a brand new package of super fine fairy glitter that came in the mail. That should worry at least a few of you!
Love you all,
PS I don’t care what you say to Goob about this news bulletin (DAVE), Just remember he doesn’t like to bother people with our problems like I do, so just know he’ll call me out as the drama queen that I surely am.
What am I doing? It is 10am. I feel like I’m sitting on a time bomb. I hate knowing there are one or two people that have vital, possibly life changing information and I am at their mercy. Despite the various deceptions I have put in place, to get the information sooner.
I feel slightly betrayed by my uterus which has closed up shop and is attempting to evacuate through my much neglected vjj
My midsection, pelvis, hips back are about to be declared a disaster zone, setting in motion further assaults to what is left of the integrity of my digestive system.
So I sit on bed rest until further notice.